When we first started this dynamic He had me start calling Him Master. Calling Him that pleased Him. It make me swoon to say it. However, at some point I also started calling Him Daddy. There really wasn’t a discussion about it. It just slipped out of my mouth one day.
We discussed it after though. There are so many different kinds of kinks. And while I love calling Him Daddy and I love it when He calls me His baby girl I am so not into age play. I don’t know if that makes any sense.
I think I look at the terminology more from a… protection point of view. He is my Daddy and I am His girl. He protects me. I also look at it from a guidance point of view.
I am not into acting like a child or Him treating me like one. I don’t want to color in coloring books and talk like a child. It isn’t for me.
But I love it when I say Daddy and He looks at me. And I don’t just call Him that during sex. I know some people do that. Master any other time but Daddy during sex.
I seem to flip from one term to the other without any change in how I interact with Him. He calls me slave, His girl, kitten, bitch… *laughs*
But over the years I seem to be calling Him Daddy a lot more frequently than I call Him Master. It just rolls right off the tongue. There isn’t a conscious thought process of, “Do I call Him Master or do I call Him Daddy today?”
I don’t see it as showing any less respect for His position in our dynamic. To me, in regards to our relationship, it is the same thing. Just different terminology. I don’t think He really looks at it any differently either. At least not that He has said.
That spanking the other day gave me a taste of something that I didn’t realize I had missed as much as I now realize I do/did.
I had missed the more physical aspects I guess. And one thing I did realize after the spanking is that I forgot how big His hands were compared to my tiny frame. It gives me shivers knowing what kind of damage He could do to me with just His bare hands.
That may sound horrible but it is true. I am not into abuse. I am into rough physical contact. And while He would never do anything to truly hurt me knowing that He could… I don’t know. It’s weird. I guess it turns me on a bit more than I would like to admit. Some people may judge me for that… *shrugs* But whatever. I do not advocate domestic violence. It sickens me.
But knowing that He could truly hurt me but never would turns me on. It may be related to my knowing how much I know He is truly holding back when He manhandles me. He has to constantly be aware of how much force or pressure He is using/applying so that He doesn’t hurt me more than He actually intends to. And it excites me. I think it excites Him too. The intense look in His eyes tells me that it does.
Maybe it is weird that I use both Master and Daddy so easily. In the “lifestyle” it appears that those two terms are not interchangeable. They relate to two very different kinks. But in my case I see them as one in the same. Maybe it is because I am not into age play. I don’t know.
I am on odd individual. I guess this just adds to my weirdness. I don’t make a lot of sense anyway. *laughs*
But He has many titles. As do I.
I love my Master.
I love my Daddy.
I love my Husband.
Thankfully I am lucky enough that they are all the same person.
This is basically an extra post. There is no due date for this one. Really late Friday night I was still awake and Master had gone to bed. I sat down and typed out a long message and sent it to Him. The jist of it was basically my looking for direction and feedback. I was off to work before Master got up the next morning and He responded telling me that He read it but needed to wake up a bit more before He would respond. He basically didn’t want me thinking that He was ignoring it.
Once He was more awake He sent me a lengthy response. Some of it was explanation, some of it was pointing things out that I am too playful with, and that overall I have in fact been a good girl.
A little later on He sent me another message. He wanted to know if I thought a spanking would help. Not as a punishment but to help center and ground me.
It has been ages since He gave me a spanking. Mainly because we had always been afraid of neighbors hearing and thinking He was abusing me. (Thin walls are a bitch.) But now we don’t have neighbors above us or to either side. We only have downstairs neighbors and unless we stand right by the door that leads to us going outside they can’t hear anything.
I asked Him if He would use His hand or His belt. He said, “Hand to bare ass. Basically come home for break, drop your pants to your ankles, bend over the bed, put your hands in front of you and go from there. Figure leave your uniform on as it seems naughtier, stupid but true.”
That made me smile.I later told Him it would also be kind of hot to have a quickie on my break. He said “Discipline first.”
I went on break around 1pm. I came straight home. I live right across the street so it didn’t take long obviously.
I walk upstairs to our apartment and Master stands up from His computer chair and motions to the bedroom. We didn’t even really talk much. I went into the bedroom and before I could do much of anything He puts His hands on my shoulders to turn my back to Him, I undid the belt and started to pull down my pants. I apparently wasn’t doing it fast enough so He forced them down and pushed the upper portion of my body down so that it was across the bed. I had to stand on my tip toes to be positioned properly. That isn’t the easiest thing to do with pants around your ankles in case you were wondering. I’m not complaining. Just stating a fact. *laughs* I then put my arms straight out and crossed my wrists.
He flipped my shirt up so that it was out of His way and He stood to the side of me and ran His hand across my ass a few times before He started spanking me. He alternated sides but holy hell did I forget how good He is at hitting the same spot over, and over, and over again.
And although it hurt it was also like a release valve had been opened. I started sobbing. Full on tears and catching of the breath sobbing. He didn’t stop because He knew what it was.
I didn’t keep count and neither did He. He just stopped when He felt like stopping. By the end my entire ass felt hot and a little swollen. He told me that it was a nice shade of red.
I was still sobbing. I couldn’t seem to stop. He then ran His hands across my ass for a little bit before deciding to, for whatever reason, slowly finger my asshole. I stayed where I was and didn’t move. When He stopped He re-positioned Himself so that He was standing directly behind me. The next thing I hear is His belt coming undone and before I know it His cock is inside of me.
He fucked me hard and fast. I was nothing but a toy to Him at that moment. The crying didn’t stop until after He came and I cleaned myself up and got redressed. It took me a minute to calm down. I had about five minutes left to my break so He just hugged me and held me for a little while.
When I went back to work I felt so much better. Master and I talked about it a little later on after I got home from work and we both agreed that even though it was so simple, it seemed to help adjust both of our mindsets back to where they needed to be. It seemed to reinforce our stations I guess you could say.
Best lunch break ever.
Since we have gone back to basics I feel more stable. I’m not sure if that is the exact word I am looking for. Maybe my feeling more grounded is a better way of explaining it. He also seems happier.
It is like all the old weight is off both of our shoulders. He has told me that I seem to be more attentive.
Things have been a bit hectic. He and I have both been getting more hours at our jobs and as a result our schedules aren’t lining up the best. We basically have time to spend a few hours a day together while both of us are tired and sore before one or both of us have to go to bed rather early. My start and end times at work have been all over the place. His are pretty much the same except for the amount of days He is working has increased.
While I don’t feel like we are putting anything on the back burner it feels like we don’t have time for much anymore. And it is understandable. We are both rather understanding of it and aren’t getting upset or bitter about it like we used to. During one of our days off the other usually has to work. And when we both have the same day off we have a bunch of mundane shit to do. And now Christmas shopping is in full swing. We got three people done but have to buy for the rest of them now. Yes, I realize we are cutting it close but it is how finances have lined up so whatever.
Hopefully after the holidays are over things will go back to normal. Or at least closer to normal.
Master hasn’t punished me or anything since we hit the restart button. He has given me a sharp tone in order for me to correct my behavior but that’s about it. Like I said, He seems happier. He doesn’t really talk about it much to be honest with you. So… I am assuming He is happy.
Okay.. so quite a bit has gone on. I was not meeting His expectations knowing that my previous training was what it was. We had an extremely long talk about it and yes I got emotional. I honestly broke down. It isn’t like Master was a dick about it or seemed cold about the subject. That isn’t the case at all.
The conclusion that He came to was that there was one of two ways to handle this. Either drop the dynamic entirely or start fresh. What He meant by starting fresh was going back to the very beginning. None of the past expectations carried over. None of the past mistakes hanging over either of our heads. Etc. and so on.
He told me that it was up to me. I didn’t want the dynamic to end but at the same I didn’t want to feel like I was forcing Him to staying in the dynamic if He was that fed up. But no, He wanted to try to start over too.
It is sad, in my opinion, that after so long we have to go back to this. However, it is probably the most healthy way we can continue.
Neither of us are sure what to do when the dynamic is not in place. I don’t know how to not to be His slave. And I don’t think He knows how to not be my Master. It has been in place since we were six months into our almost 14 year relationship and I was His slave long before I was His wife. I don’t know if I can possibly separate the two positions.
So here we are. Starting over. No old baggage following up. One step forward again. And sometimes you have to rip everything apart in order to start again. And that is where we are right now.
Both of us have seemed happier to be honest.
And oddly enough my sex drive has gone up since that discussion. Weird.
For a good example, last week I came home on my lunch break. Master was at His job. And for whatever reason I was horny. So I went onto His computer and watched a video He had made for me two years ago of Him jerking off. I was dripping wet when I went back to work. I am not allowed to get off without permission. (That one is staying.) So it isn’t like I could masturbate.
I sent Him a message letting Him know I had done that before I went back to work. I also told Him that I would love to see that in person again soon.
I am not sure why I enjoy it so much but I do. Then again I guess it is no different than Him enjoying watching me masturbate for Him.
Master didn’t comment on the message at all really. That is, not until today. I was at work today and He had just gotten home. He told me that if I wanted to watch Him stroke His dick I would need to come home on my lunch break and open my mouth when He was ready to cum. I told Him that I wasn’t sure if I was getting a break today because we were a person down. However, it was slow and I was able to go on break. Thankfully, I live just across the street from my job. I didn’t run but I sure did power walk home. I went right upstairs to our apartment. Master smiled at me. We had a cigarette and then He told me to lay on my stomach across the bed so that my head was hanging over the side of the mattress.
I was in my work uniform mind you and for some reason that made it feel even hotter. Not only is this going on but I am literally going back to work in 20 minutes.
Once I was positioned the way He wanted, He unzipped His jeans and pulled His cock out. He immediately turned to the side so I could see everything and then started slowly stoking His cock. I was very, very close and I just stared. I didn’t want to blink. I was so turned on by it.
As He is doing this He starts to speed up and then reaches His other hand down to massage His balls. That turned me on even more. I could feel my pussy lips flushing with blood and becoming warm.
Once He was close to cumming He turned towards me and told me to open my mouth. I know that He was only planning on jerking off into my mouth but I couldn’t control myself. I waited until His hand was closer to the base of His cock before reaching my neck out and taking His dick into my mouth. He let go and I quickly swirled my tongue around the head of His cock and along the underside of His shaft. He moaned loudly as He shot His cum down my throat.
I had just enough time to have another cigarette before saying goodbye. I could still taste it in my mouth as I walked back across the street to work. And I was dripping wet. And when I say dripping I mean that literally. It was to the point that once I clocked back in at work I had to excuse myself to the bathroom so I could wipe off.
So obviously my sex drive stayed in high gear all day. I wanted to come home and masturbate for Him before He fucked me with His very thick cock. However, I had a meeting at work I had to go to at 8pm so I was going to wait to say anything until after I got home. Unfortunately by that time Master was extremely tired since He had been up since 2am and had a very rough day at work. He was physically drained and His neck was screaming at Him.
While admittedly I was disappointed because I really, really wanted Him inside of me I completely understood. He has understood when I have been like that as well. So instead I helped Him get undressed for the night as I knelt before Him and once His pants and boxer briefs were off I gently took His cock into my mouth, ran my tongue around it a few times and then let go. I then walked with Him to the bedroom and tucked Him in.
So since I need to cool off a little bit I thought I would just hop on here and do my blog post.
My body has been acting so fucking weird. I went almost three months without getting my period. Good thing I know that I can’t get pregnant. (Yay for being fixed!) And now I am having it twice within thirty days. What the actual fuck body?! *sigh*
As most women do there are things that I absolutely hate about being on the rag. One up side? The smell of my menstrual blood turns me on. Is that weird? It sounds weird. I think part of it is because Master will eat me out while I’m on the rag and then while He is fucking me He will kiss me and that scent gets caught up in His goatee. I can also smell it very clearly while we are fucking and it just adds something… I’m not really sure how to describe it.
I just know I can’t be the only one like that.
I’m glad that Master isn’t the type to get “grossed out” or bothered by the fact that I’m on the rag. He will still eat me out and fuck my brains out whether I’m bleeding or not. *laughs*
I forgot to make coffee for Master this morning. I was getting up before Him for a change so He had told me to make Him coffee before I went to work. I forgot. Honest to god forgot. I was rushing around like a crazy person this morning in order to get to work on time because my stomach wasn’t the best and I spent more time in the bathroom than usual. That isn’t an excuse. It really isn’t.
When He sent me a message about it later on in the morning while I was at work I felt absolutely horrible. Later on in the night, before He went to bed, He told me that He doesn’t expect me to be perfect. He was pointing it out and that was it. Yes, it counted against me, but He wasn’t mean about it or anything along those lines. It was just something I had missed. Something that seems unimportant and small but I am trying really hard to get back in His good graces on a dynamic stand point so it felt like an utter failure to me.
I felt a little bit better after we had the discussion at length but I still feel bad. I still feel like I screwed up big time. Some people may look at this post and go, “What’s the big deal? It’s just coffee.”
You’re right. It is just coffee. But it was an order that I was given that I failed to follow through on. And as a result, I failed Him. He wanted nothing more than fresh coffee that morning and I failed to do that.
Master and I are both finally over our colds. Now we are on to trying to get our schedules to line up for more than a few hours a day/night. That is basically going to be impossible minus on our days off. And recently we have had the same days off during the week so that has helped a lot in so far as being intimate and all that.
We have been having amazing sex. And not just because we can both breathe.. *laughs* It has just been incredible. I don’t think there is really a reason to it. It has just been more intense to me lately. I don’t know if He feels the same way or not but either way He isn’t complaining so that is always a good thing.
One thing that I did comment on which Master readily agreed to is that my sex drive seems to be on an upswing finally.
I am not sure why it has been fluctuating so damn much but it has been. This is the first upswing in quite some time though. Hopefully it will stick around for a while this time.It makes me feel like something is wrong with me when my sex drive is basically down to nothing. It frustrates me and I know that it frustrates Master too.
How could it not really, ya know?
Aside from the amazing sex… not much has been going on. It has been a lot of mundane stuff.
Work. Errands. Sleep. Repeat.
And during the few hours after I get home from work but before Master goes to bed are spent trying to just relax with one another. And then as soon as He goes to bed it is time for me to take the dog out and figure out what to do with myself while He is sleeping just like He figures out what to do with Himself while I am at work after He gets home.
We use those three to four hours to eat dinner, watch some TV, talk about our days, etc. and so on. Those few hours go by rather quickly sometimes. Tonight was one of those nights. And that is with me getting home from work a half hour early. It was like I blinked and it was time to say goodnight to Him.
It was worse yesterday though because He worked overnight. It was tough trying to fall asleep knowing that He wasn’t home. I used to do that all the time with some of His previous jobs. But for some reason it feels different now. Weird.
Master is sleeping right now. I had asked if I could push my blog post off until tomorrow. He said, “Okay.”
But I am still under the whole “all on me” thing with the dynamic and while I took a bath tonight after He went to sleep I felt guilty for wanting to push it off. So I am doing it now. The only reason I asked to push it off is because I have been very, very sick and I am still getting over it.
One of the changes that has happened is that I ended up going back to my old job. The new job I had taken was not holding up to their end of the arrangement. They promised me hours, they promised me that if I learned different aspects I would get even more hours, and basically they broke every promise they gave me during the interview. After first I figured it was just because I was in training. So I asked my manager and she said that it was only for the first two weeks and then my hours would sky rocket. So I waited. I was only getting between 18 to 20 hours a week. That’s it. And that is with my learning different aspects of the job so I can only imagine what it would have been like without that. What was even more discouraging was the fact that some of those hours were gained only because of mandatory meetings. That is sad.
My old boss sent me a message and asked if I would come back. He promised that I would work no later than 8pm meaning that I would never have to close. He promised that it would be like I had never left. I had only been gone what… a month? *sighs*
To be honest due to the promises not being kept at the new job I was worried that I would have to ask to come back. I would have felt like I was crawling back with my tail between my legs. Master and I had already been discussing such things. It was a last resort type situation. But then out of nowhere comes this message from my old boss. I truly did not want to go back. Master didn’t want me to go back. But we both knew that we couldn’t pay bills and have money left over with what little I was contributing to the household at my new job. It was stressful for both of us. Master was trying to be as encouraging as possible but there was no sugar coating it after a certain point. And oddly enough my old boss just so happened to call on the day I found out my schedule for the upcoming week for the new job. It only had 20 hours. Yeah.. fuck you very much. I told you at the interview that I needed full time hours and you said after a couple of weeks that it would happen. In what mind is 20 hours considered full time?
So I ended up agreeing to go back to my old job. That same day I went to the new job to quit. There was no two week notice on this one. It made no sense to work that few hours at less pay for another two weeks when I could start out with more hours and more pay immediately. Apparently my old boss, now my boss again, had never terminated me. He put me officially as on a leave of absence. So literally nothing changed. He was hoping that much that I would come back.
I was set to go back this past Monday. I had been fighting a head cold for a few days by that point but it seemed okay. That is until Saturday. Suddenly I was having a really hard time breathing and I was coughing all the time. I couldn’t even lay down in our bed. I had to sleep on the couch so I could sleep with my upper body elevated. I figured it was just the worst of it and it would pass. No big deal. Monday comes and it isn’t any better. But I got dressed and went to work. My boss was there and he noticed how labored my breathing was and told me to go home and reminded me that it was as if I never left so no worries about having to call in right away. Tuesday came and it was even worse. Okay, ER time.
Master takes me and they said I have situational asthma. I’m not entirely sure what that means. I have never had asthma before. But whatever. They gave me a breathing treatment and took x-rays while I was there. Before I left they gave me an inhaler with a spacer. It has helped in so far as I can breathe but my coughing fits have still been pretty epic. I haven’t been able to sleep next to Him in our bed yet. I am afraid of keeping Him awake because He has to get up so early in the morning. I don’t want to bother Him. And if I lay down flat or only partially propped up the coughing comes back full force. I am going to try again tonight to sleep next to Him. I am feeling a lot better but the coughing fits are still there even though there are not productive. Meaning it isn’t getting anything out it is just my body coughing for the sake of coughing. Stupid body.
Another thing that pisses me off about it is that I haven’t been able to serve Him. I haven’t been well to even sleep next to Him let alone anything else. As a result I have not yet dressed up for Him either.
I expressed this concern to Master and He said not to worry about it because He knows that I am truly ill and that there isn’t anything I can do about it. It isn’t something I can control. He just wants me better.
I felt well enough today for us to go out to dinner, which was really nice. But now that it is night time again the coughing is back. It was really bad earlier. Master came to check on me, grabbed a benadryl for me, brought me the inhaler and stood over me until I could catch my breath and could get up and go back into the living room. He takes really good care of me and I love Him for it.
I can’t wait until I am completely over this and able to do everything the way I should for Him.