Master and I are both finally over our colds. Now we are on to trying to get our schedules to line up for more than a few hours a day/night. That is basically going to be impossible minus on our days off. And recently we have had the same days off during the week so that has helped a lot in so far as being intimate and all that.
We have been having amazing sex. And not just because we can both breathe.. *laughs* It has just been incredible. I don’t think there is really a reason to it. It has just been more intense to me lately. I don’t know if He feels the same way or not but either way He isn’t complaining so that is always a good thing.
One thing that I did comment on which Master readily agreed to is that my sex drive seems to be on an upswing finally.
I am not sure why it has been fluctuating so damn much but it has been. This is the first upswing in quite some time though. Hopefully it will stick around for a while this time.It makes me feel like something is wrong with me when my sex drive is basically down to nothing. It frustrates me and I know that it frustrates Master too.
How could it not really, ya know?
Aside from the amazing sex… not much has been going on. It has been a lot of mundane stuff.
Work. Errands. Sleep. Repeat.
And during the few hours after I get home from work but before Master goes to bed are spent trying to just relax with one another. And then as soon as He goes to bed it is time for me to take the dog out and figure out what to do with myself while He is sleeping just like He figures out what to do with Himself while I am at work after He gets home.
We use those three to four hours to eat dinner, watch some TV, talk about our days, etc. and so on. Those few hours go by rather quickly sometimes. Tonight was one of those nights. And that is with me getting home from work a half hour early. It was like I blinked and it was time to say goodnight to Him.
It was worse yesterday though because He worked overnight. It was tough trying to fall asleep knowing that He wasn’t home. I used to do that all the time with some of His previous jobs. But for some reason it feels different now. Weird.
Master is sleeping right now. I had asked if I could push my blog post off until tomorrow. He said, “Okay.”
But I am still under the whole “all on me” thing with the dynamic and while I took a bath tonight after He went to sleep I felt guilty for wanting to push it off. So I am doing it now. The only reason I asked to push it off is because I have been very, very sick and I am still getting over it.
One of the changes that has happened is that I ended up going back to my old job. The new job I had taken was not holding up to their end of the arrangement. They promised me hours, they promised me that if I learned different aspects I would get even more hours, and basically they broke every promise they gave me during the interview. After first I figured it was just because I was in training. So I asked my manager and she said that it was only for the first two weeks and then my hours would sky rocket. So I waited. I was only getting between 18 to 20 hours a week. That’s it. And that is with my learning different aspects of the job so I can only imagine what it would have been like without that. What was even more discouraging was the fact that some of those hours were gained only because of mandatory meetings. That is sad.
My old boss sent me a message and asked if I would come back. He promised that I would work no later than 8pm meaning that I would never have to close. He promised that it would be like I had never left. I had only been gone what… a month? *sighs*
To be honest due to the promises not being kept at the new job I was worried that I would have to ask to come back. I would have felt like I was crawling back with my tail between my legs. Master and I had already been discussing such things. It was a last resort type situation. But then out of nowhere comes this message from my old boss. I truly did not want to go back. Master didn’t want me to go back. But we both knew that we couldn’t pay bills and have money left over with what little I was contributing to the household at my new job. It was stressful for both of us. Master was trying to be as encouraging as possible but there was no sugar coating it after a certain point. And oddly enough my old boss just so happened to call on the day I found out my schedule for the upcoming week for the new job. It only had 20 hours. Yeah.. fuck you very much. I told you at the interview that I needed full time hours and you said after a couple of weeks that it would happen. In what mind is 20 hours considered full time?
So I ended up agreeing to go back to my old job. That same day I went to the new job to quit. There was no two week notice on this one. It made no sense to work that few hours at less pay for another two weeks when I could start out with more hours and more pay immediately. Apparently my old boss, now my boss again, had never terminated me. He put me officially as on a leave of absence. So literally nothing changed. He was hoping that much that I would come back.
I was set to go back this past Monday. I had been fighting a head cold for a few days by that point but it seemed okay. That is until Saturday. Suddenly I was having a really hard time breathing and I was coughing all the time. I couldn’t even lay down in our bed. I had to sleep on the couch so I could sleep with my upper body elevated. I figured it was just the worst of it and it would pass. No big deal. Monday comes and it isn’t any better. But I got dressed and went to work. My boss was there and he noticed how labored my breathing was and told me to go home and reminded me that it was as if I never left so no worries about having to call in right away. Tuesday came and it was even worse. Okay, ER time.
Master takes me and they said I have situational asthma. I’m not entirely sure what that means. I have never had asthma before. But whatever. They gave me a breathing treatment and took x-rays while I was there. Before I left they gave me an inhaler with a spacer. It has helped in so far as I can breathe but my coughing fits have still been pretty epic. I haven’t been able to sleep next to Him in our bed yet. I am afraid of keeping Him awake because He has to get up so early in the morning. I don’t want to bother Him. And if I lay down flat or only partially propped up the coughing comes back full force. I am going to try again tonight to sleep next to Him. I am feeling a lot better but the coughing fits are still there even though there are not productive. Meaning it isn’t getting anything out it is just my body coughing for the sake of coughing. Stupid body.
Another thing that pisses me off about it is that I haven’t been able to serve Him. I haven’t been well to even sleep next to Him let alone anything else. As a result I have not yet dressed up for Him either.
I expressed this concern to Master and He said not to worry about it because He knows that I am truly ill and that there isn’t anything I can do about it. It isn’t something I can control. He just wants me better.
I felt well enough today for us to go out to dinner, which was really nice. But now that it is night time again the coughing is back. It was really bad earlier. Master came to check on me, grabbed a benadryl for me, brought me the inhaler and stood over me until I could catch my breath and could get up and go back into the living room. He takes really good care of me and I love Him for it.
I can’t wait until I am completely over this and able to do everything the way I should for Him.
Okay, so the dates my post and my dressing up are due are kind of up in the air. Master doesn’t have a rock hard schedule yet because he is so new, they haven’t put him on the actual schedule. They just have it so that he comes in whenever they tell Him to. Thankfully He has gone in quite a bit on His first week there. He is enjoying it.
But another problem is that He starts work at 4am so He has to go to bed really early. So when I would normally dress up for Him at night doesn’t really work anymore. We discussed this a bit today and He said that we are going to have to basically plan it for His days off once He gets a full on schedule.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t do my blog post.
I think I understand, at least on some level, why Master hated it when I closed at my last job. Since He is going to bed so early I am by myself at night. It is lonely. I miss Him even though He is only in the next room since our bedroom is just off of the living room. I also don’t know really what to do with myself. What I normally do is in direct reaction to what He does/is doing. During the day is one thing. But night time? I don’t know what it is but I feel lost without Him. I mean He is asleep a good four to five hours before I go to bed.
That may make me sound pathetic but I don’t really care. I am lost without Him at night. And I can’t go to bed when He does because then my sleep schedule for my job is totally thrown off.
Although I know I just started this job about a month ago but I am very quickly realizing that it isn’t a good fit. I do not regret leaving my last job but I think maybe I jumped ship a little too early and should have waited for something else to come along. But it seemed to fit at the time. However, I am finding that the way they described the job during my interview is completely different than what is actually involved. So that doesn’t help. As a result, I am trying to get into where Master works. A friend of ours’ sister works there and she put in a solid word for Master and will be doing the same for me. We’ll see where that goes. It would pay more money as well. But at least I am employed. That is all that really matters.
I am still “on my own” as far as the dynamic goes. Master has not set it back in place. He is having it where it is all on me still. I like to think I am doing better. He hasn’t said anything really one way or another. Then again we haven’t really had much time to talk either. He is home while I am at work and He is asleep at night when I am awake. And of course I am asleep when He gets up in the morning. It is not productive to what I am trying to convey in regards to how badly I need this dynamic. I still ask permission for everything I am supposed to. I still call Him Master or Daddy. I kneel when it feels right. Mainly when He is on His computer. But then of course the dog has to come bother me cause he is wondering why the hell I am on his level and of course it must be to pet him. Silly mutt.
I like to think that Master has noticed.
I am also “allowed” to cum whenever I want now since I am not under restrictions. And while it is highly tempting I do not unless it goes by what has always been in place such as my not needing permission to cum when He eats me out.
Our sex life is also all over the place because of this new schedule. But today was lovely.
I worked a split shift today so I was home by 12:30pm. (I later had to go back in at 7pm.) I had to put my work shirt in the laundry but after that Master asked me how I was feeling. (My stomach was horrible last night.) I told Him that I was feeling quite a bit better. Next thing I know He is chewing on my neck as I stand before Him on His computer chair. Once He is done chewing on me He pulls my pants down, takes my shirt off, and directs me to the bedroom.
It was hot and heavy. It was very, very intense. At least for me. He entered me rather quickly. Or at least tried to. I wasn’t fully ready yet if you know what I mean. So He got creative. He slowly worked His cock into me while contorting Himself so He could suck on my tit at the same time. That opened me right up. It was intense from the point where He was fully inside me forward. It was like all of my nerve endings were online and waiting. After a little while He pulled out, moved down, at ate me out to the point where I got off not once but twice. He then pulled me up off the bed and had me turn around. I wasn’t on all fours, I was kneeling up right. He grabbed the side of my throat and with how big His hands are that basically means more than half of my throat was covered. He asked how I was doing and I said that I was sensitive. He growled as He pushed His cock into me once more and He said to me, “You forgot to say tight.” A very pleasant chill went up my spine when He said that to me. He had me hold still and fucked me hard and fast. As He came I bucked my hips which He really seemed to enjoy.
I have thought about it throughout the rest of the day/night and my pussy clenches just a little bit whenever I think about it.
As far as my bipolar disorder goes… I have been in one hell of a funk for about a week now. I can’t seem to snap out of it fully. I have good moments. You know I joke and laugh and have moments of good moods but as soon as those end I am down into a pit with my mindset. I have no idea why. None what so fucking ever. I hope it stops soon. I know it worries Master when I get like this. And it isn’t any fun for me either.
There have been a lot of changes. I started a new job. Master started a new job. We are both less stressed out than we were at our old jobs. I am not getting a whole lot of hours yet but my manager told me it is because I am still in training. I am, however, learning different aspects of the job so I have a feeling that it will pick up soon. Today is Master’s orientation and hopefully He will find out a schedule before He leaves there today.
On to the dynamic…
I have been fucking up. Hard.
Master and I had a very long and emotional discussion regarding it. He wanted to drop it. As in no more dynamic at all. Period. End of story. That is how bad I have been slipping. And He told me I have done this many times in the past. He has tried all of His bag of tricks to keep me on the straight and narrow and for whatever reason none of them seem to stick with me. I am not going the blame it on my medication or my being bipolar. I have to admit that sometimes I think it is part of it. But I am sure in the hell not going to pin it all on that. I can’t.
I can’t say that He was wrong. I honestly do not see these things until the last possible moment. The moment where my head is on the chopping block. And He had enough.
I cried. Of course I cried. I was honest and told Him that it felt like a partial divorce. He was not saying that He didn’t want to be married anymore or that He didn’t love me anymore. Just that He wanted to drop the dynamic. It has been a part of our relationship, let alone our marriage, since almost the beginning. So yes, of course that discussion is going to be emotional and feel like a partial divorce.
He went against His gut instinct and is giving me one last chance. However, I have to earn it back. I have to do the things I am supposed to be doing. He will not take any initiative and it is all on me. I have to do what I should have been doing all along without Him enforcing any of it.
I have been trying. And the only complaint He has had, that I know of, is how much I have been sleeping. I sleep a lot. I take at least one nap a day and am still tired before midnight. I think it is my body trying to adjust to not having to close anymore. I was working until at least 1am for about four months straight. And now all of a sudden I am on days and waking up before 7:30am. That doesn’t sound too early but when your body isn’t used to going into work until 5pm it feels like 4am. I am hoping that my body adjusts soon.
When I mentioned last night that I have a post due for today (my due dates changed) He told me that no I really don’t. He has lifted the rules in so far as He is not enforcing them. However, since it is all on me I know better than to skip such things. I need to act as if they are still orders I must follow because I want to follow them. That it isn’t a chore to do what is expected of me.
If I let it slide because He is not enforcing it, how is that showing Him that this is what I want? How else do I show Him this is what I need? By acting as I should. By following the rules. And I cannot show Him any of that by just letting it slide and going, “Well I don’t really feel like posting today so fuck it. He won’t care.”
But He does. I know He cares. This is a part of Him and His needs as it is me and mine. It breaks my heart that I have pushed Him to this point. I am crying right now as I write this. Why am I so self destructive? Why must I push it to the point where He is emotional about it when I am not around?
My post used to be due every other Friday. We went by payday. But now I get paid weekly on Thursdays and so now it is every other Thursday. My dress up is also due that night. So I will be dressing up for Him tonight as well.
I have been kneeling. I have been still asking permission to do certain things, such as using the bathroom. I have been more affectionate as well. Not that I wasn’t showing that I love Him before, because I have been, but because I feel the desire and need to. But I have done it in a more submissive way. Nuzzling while kneeling. Things of that nature.
He may not be enforcing things but He is allowing me to act as if everything is how it should be. He isn’t being a dick about it. When I ask something He doesn’t just go, “I don’t care. Do what you want to.”
I know He will if I slip up and He decides to just put His hands in the air. Not to be a dick but to show me how much I am coming across as I don’t give a fuck so why should He.
I am praying that I can earn this back. I don’t know who I am or what to do without it. How is it that I realize these things when it is a moment of desperation? Like I said. Self destructive. To the point of playing Russian roulette until that last chamber is clicked and I know it has to be loaded because all of the other ones were empty. I put my finger on the trigger and only remove it because I know that bullet will come flying out. That bullet is Master’s last straw. I need to put the figurative gun down and lock it away.
A lot has changed. A lot. First…pleasure. Then business.
I have been earning rewards from Master, which has been very nice. I’ve earned several orgasms by being good. Some of them are from dressing up. Some for giving really good head. Some because He felt like I deserved it.
He has been very… generous. And I’ve been grateful for that. He has also been leinant as He knows I have been under an unusual amount of stress lately. For example, I had a severe panic attack at work to the point that I couldn’t stay there. I called my shrink the next day and he upped my meds.
I actually had an appointment with him and it went well. He is keeping me on the upped dosage. He wants to see me again in November.
On to business!
I got a new job! I couldn’t take it where I am anymore. I was hired on the spot at my new job. I have had several days that consisted of orientation, online training, and a meeting. I will be starting my official hands on training on Tuesday. I’m a bit nervous about it. It isn’t management but she made it sound like since I have been one at my current job, that I should be able to work my way back up with no problem.
I was honestly surprised that I was hired on the spot. Most places don’t do that anymore. The down side is that I have to cover up my hand and finger tattoos with make-up. But that’s okay. I’m going to buy the really good make-up this paycheck since I will be wearing it all the time. For now I am using regular drug store make-up. It does the trick for now. Another down side is that I can’t wear my cuff. Technically I wasn’t supposed to wear it at my current job either. But I was allowed to get a way with it. My new job is very strict on appearance.
But I have a plan in regards to my not being allowed to wear my cuff anymore. I am going to get a bracelet tattoo where my cuff used to be. Now we just have to be able to afford said tattoo.
I gave my two week notice and my last day is this Sunday. Honestly, quite a few people are upset that I am leaving. But I need a change. I really do. I know that I will need to work my way up on hours and all that. It sucks but it is a transition that will take a little time. The smaller paycheck as a result is scary but we’ll get through it. And I have a back-up plan that if this doesn’t work out I am going to apply where my friend’s sister works. Master applied there too to try and get out of where He is as well. He already had a phone interview. He is going to have a face to face interview scheduled soon. He is going to call them tomorrow to request an update.
This has been a two week time period with ups and downs.
First the ups, then the downs.
I had earned three orgasms. Master was giving me more as a reward than usual in part because of stress relief. I was proud of myself for earning so many. That may sound silly but oh well. Master did tell me that they had to be used quickly or I would lose them and that I was also not allowed to stretch them out over three nights. He would allow me to carry one over but not two. But I was greedy and used all three last night.
First He ate me out which got me off really, really hard to the point that I was trying to catch my breath. After that He entered me and it didn’t take long at all for me to use the second one. As soon as that one was done I asked if I could please be on top. It had been a long time since I had been on top and those orgasms are always, and I do mean always, intense. He allowed it and again I had an earth shattering orgasm. From that point on I was His toy once more. Given the fact that I had three amazing orgasms it was very difficult for me to go back into toy mode. It was oh so tempting to get off once more, especially since He had allowed me to use my three at will rather than having to ask permission to have them. That basically never happens.
He had me on all fours with my upper body propped up on the tips of my fingers, which He always enjoys. He gripped my shoulders tight and fucked me hard before putting light pressure in between my shoulder blades, letting me know that He now wanted my face flat against the mattress while still having my ass in the air. I, of course, obeyed. Shortly after I did that I snaked my arm underneath me and placed two of my fingers in such a way that it was applying pressure to His cock as He slid in and out of me. He growled when I did that. More pressure, more pleasure, more sensation.
After He filled me with His cum I cleaned Him off with my mouth and then we cuddled up and went to sleep. I passed out rather quickly and I think He did too.
We are slowly learning who our real friends are. Master vented to someone we considered a friend we could talk in confidence to. Well, apparently not. That got back to someone else and all hell broke loose. And not only did it get back to people it wasn’t supposed to but it was exaggerated to the point of Master’s jaw dropping when He heard what I was told and questioned about. Master was livid. Especially when the person it got back to basically told me that my husband was lying to my face. Um… excuse you? You think I’m going to believe you over my husband? I think not.
Apparently we thought wrong. Since we started working where we work we thought we had accumulated at least five friends that we could trust with pretty much anything without it getting spread around. That number is now down to two. And we both know that the other two will stay that way because we have trusted them with a lot more than the others and not one word was spoken. It really sucks, but in the long run is good to know.
Master and I discussed it and basically we are back to only trusting family and those two people. Anyone else won’t know any of our business. “Why are you having a bad day?”… Rather than an explanation they will get, “Same shit different day.” or something along those lines. Very, very vague.
First the good… then the stressful.
The other night Master was using me and He was rather rough with me. I whimpered and moaned and squirmed. I know that He enjoyed every second of it. Why wouldn’t He? But what sticks with me more than the sex and the pleasure that it brought both of us was what happened after He came. I was on my stomach and He had rested on top of my back which I always find comforting. His cock was still inside me. He leaned His head down in order to nuzzle the back of my head and to also kiss the back of my head. Once He placed that kiss ever so gently He softly said into my ear, “I love you so much.”
My heart skipped a beat and my breath was taken away. I told Him that I love Him too of course. He kissed the back of my head one more time before pulling out and laying next to me before we got up in order to get ready to sleep.
I slept very well that night. In fact we fell asleep facing one another and holding hands.
In other good news I have earned two orgasms by worshiping His cock and giving Him “amazing head” as He put it. I haven’t used them yet though.
I used to enjoy my job. And I was honestly hoping to transfer because of personal issues I am having with my store manager who I thought was my friend. But he lied to me straight to my face both as a friend and as a boss. He denied my transfer and that is one thing. However, when I told him my reasons why he promised to keep it a secret as it had to do with very specific managers and I didn’t want my life to get any harder at work. He promised me not once, but twice, that he wouldn’t tell a soul. I took him at his word because he is supposed to be my friend. I thought everything was okay.
But then two days ago one of the managers I named walked straight up to me and asked me why I don’t like him anymore. I played dumb and asked what he was talking about. He told me that another manager (one I had also named) told him. So I immediately sent a text to my boss/friend (hereafter known as K) asking how the fuck this manager had found out as the only other person I had told was my Husband. Only seconds after the text K calls me and told me that my Husband had told someone at the store he works with and that person told his girlfriend who just so happens to be one of the managers I named as part of the reason I want to transfer. That manager told the one who approached me.
So let’s see here. Do I believe someone I have only known for a year or a man that I love and have shared everything with for over thirteen years. I was so livid I felt like I was vibrating. Especially after K told me that we would be friends no matter what and to just tell everyone that I’m not going anywhere and it was all rumor. So you also want me to make my Husband look like a liar because you won’t own up to the fact that you betrayed me? I don’t think so.
Instead I will tell everyone that I am not transferring and leave it at that. Why? Because I’m not. I was so hell bent on doing so but now I see that there is no way of winning this. And there is also no way of getting away from any of the bullshit because my boss’ boss is also the other store’s boss.
The other store, the one my Husband works at, is ran by our friend C. He wanted me at this store very much. In fact I am helping him at his store both last night and tonight. As a result I am working twelve days straight. Only six more days until my next day off.
But when I got home from work last night, at 2:30 a.m., Master and I had a very long discussion and I told Him that I just want out of the company all together. My next job will need to have similar pay and hours but I am willing to take a slight pay cut to get out of there. Master supports me in my decision. It meant the world to me.
So I sent a message to C telling him this. I was hoping that he would not be mad at me. He sent me a message back telling me that he understands that I need to do what is best for me and mine and that he would never be mad at me as long as we are still family. I promised that nothing would change that. He is a close and dear friend that I look to like a brother.
I thought I could look at K that way as well. But with that simple motion of his lips to another forsaking a promise to me he has written himself out of that. And there is no way of him wiggling himself back in. That door is slammed shut and locked.
Does this mean that I won’t play along at work? No. After all, I am trying to keep my life as stress free as possible. So playing along while I search for a new job is important. Although I got my paycheck and my raise still isn’t on there. So I sent him a text and he told me it will definitely be on the next one. *sigh* It better be or I am going to be pissed.
I started this blog post yesterday but I had to stop in the middle of it because I had to run and get Master from work since I had the car. So I am finishing it now, on it’s actual due date.
Master has been very understanding and supportive of all of this. Tonight I will also be dressing up for Him so as soon as I am done with this post I’m going to dig around and find something to wear. I just need new lingerie, which I have said before but lets be honest… Such things aren’t cheap and right now the purse strings are tight.
I did promise Master that I am done jumping when K asks. I am not doing any favors for anyone at that store unless it is a very select few. One is my brother, another is my mom, and the last one is our friend H.
I got some things done today with the help of borrowing a car since Master has ours. I was able to deposit His check, do some very minor grocery shopping, paying rent, and start the laundry that Master asked me to do. Now I am going to try and relax.